Struggles and sleeplessness

Last night was a long night... I couldn't bring myself to shut my eyes to sleep... It wasn't insomnia, restlessness, worry (unusual), or the usual why-you-can't-sleep reasons, but it was the immense struggle within me about myself.

I'd been reading a book called "Loving God" by Charles Colson. It's a compelling book & I encourage you to read it if you want a wake-up call for your christian walk. It's basic, yet so profound and probing. I was in Taiwan last week and I was at the book while waiting for a client. That reading gripped me (further). It exposed the evil-ness and ugliness of me, that innate desire to self-glorify, that inevitable nature of sinfulness, the natural instinct to do things my way, treat people for self-gain or self-interest. It brought about a re-awakening of my faith and brought me back to long-ago when I was an infant Christian. I felt like I was a reset. I was rather down and upset about my evil-ness, selfishness, self-interest. The only thing that encouraged me and prevented me from sliding down the way of self-condemnation and guilt-destruction was His Word, Romans 7:21-8:2 (The Message)

17-20But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.
21-23It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.
24I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?
25The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

Romans 8
The Solution Is Life on God's Terms
1-2With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ's being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death.

The NIV version of Romans 8:1-2 says it more in-your-face:

1Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, 2because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.

Anyway, it has been a struggle in my heart over the past week and I am still very conscious of it, which is good so that I hope I can become a better person, pleasing to God and loving others.

Back to last night... Gerald & I had a quarrel last night over something small. This is not the 1st since a few weeks back, we've been having squabbles, quarrels, disagreements over many things - small & big, trivial & important. But last night was quite a crescendo. I had prayed about this 2 nights ago and had asked God to help me be a better person and a better wife: less quarrelsome, less anal about trivia matters, less particular about things around the house, less critical or impatient. And I read another book briefly that in a marriage, you need to have the spirit of reconciliation, not retaliation. Only with the heart of reconciliation will things be mended and hurts and bitterness not grow and take deeper roots. Anyway, it dawned upon me last night how our marriage had deteriorated, how I had become totally myself and allowed myself to just "let go". I guess it is inevitable that in marriage, you see the real self of each other, but I guess good marriages are made up of sinful and "real" people who exercise self-control and grow in the Fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, goodness, self-control). I am tempted at this juncture to make a disclaimer (that I am not as horrible as what I wrote), haha, but what an irony to all the above that I mentioned. See, the self-glorification part is looming...
Anyway, I couldn't bring myself to sleep last night cos to a certain extent, I wanted to "punish" myself not to sleep but to remember how awful I have been. (Maybe something like punishing kids to stand isolated in their naughty corner) I really felt horrible about myself, and for a moment, even thought that was the point of no return. But I thank God for my loving husband who allowed me to ruminate all the thoughts and emotions in myself and telling me that God forgives us and loves us. I guess that IS the Truth which I found hard to accept. I think till' a point I decided to let go of myself and allow God to take over, to forgive me, to dispense His Grace and Mercy, then I was able to rest. Of course, all stories have an end. Gerald & I made up, sought forgiveness from each other, prayed together, watched a lil' TV and then went to bed in peace and love.

And they slept happily ever after....

Haha, till' the next time, God loves me no matter how I fail and how evil and ugly I am, because I acknowledge that I am sinful and receive Him as my Lord & Saviour!

The War over Worry

I got this article off Shuzhen's blog. (Thanks, sis!) This is SO applicable for me...

The War over Worry by Adrian Rogers
Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment? Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? (Matt 6:25-26)
Somebody did a study about what the average person worries about. They found that forty percent of what people worry about never happens. And thirty percent of what people worry about have already happened and you can't do anything about it. Twelve percent of what the average person worries about is what others say about you, which most of the time is untrue. Finally, according to this survey, ten percent of worry deals with your health and worrying will only make that worse!

That leaves about eight percent of the things that are considered to be real problems… and worry will not do any good with these either! Why is it that we worry about a lot of things that are not going to happen or already have happened? It’s like the little lady said one time, “Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good. Most of the things I worry about never happen.”

Let me share with you four ways you can win the war over worry:

Trust in the Lord

God wants to prove Himself to you. Let me ask you, “How do you know that the Lord is the joy of your life?” You don’t know, until He takes away your automobile or your health or your home or your family. When you say, “Jesus is all I need” make sure you can prove it. You’ll never know Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have.

Do Good

One of the signs that you’re not trusting God is that you drop out of your usual activities. They get down. You say, “I lost my job!” Well, what are you doing about it? “Well, I’m just sitting around the house!” Well, quit it! Get out there and do something because you’re trusting God to provide!

Delight Yourself in the Lord

Do you want to have a life of joy? Then, put your faith in something, or should I say Someone, who cannot be touched – the Lord! God isn’t finished with you until you find your greatest joy in Him alone. Now take the sentence very slowly – God is going to keep giving you this test until you pass it. He doesn’t flunk anybody out. And so, if you don’t pass this time, He’ll just run you through again.

Commit Your Way to the Lord

“Commit” literally means “to roll.” It means to roll your burden on the Lord. Whatever that burden is, you are to give it to God. His shoulders are broad enough. Matthew 11:30 says, “For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Is someone critical of you today? Give it to Jesus. Has someone hurt you? Give it to Jesus. Are you unsure about your future? Give it to Jesus.

Rest In The Lord

This word “rest” means “to be silent.” We want our answers yesterday. And God is saying, “Hush! Rest in Me!” Friend, God isn’t interested in time. He’s interested in timing. He’s never in a hurry. And He’s never late. Waiting on the Lord is like waiting for the sun to rise. You can’t hurry it. And you can’t stop it.

His ways are higher than ours...

This month has been challenging and eventful... Chinese New Year came and go, gave out red packets for the 1st time in my life for CNY... I was pregnant and now I am not, so I experienced both pregnancy and now, pregnancy-free..

This whole pregnancy deal has been an interesting event, and I thank God for this experience because He was so close and real to me... I found out I was pregnant on 11 Jan this year. When I came back from my business trip, it was off to the gynae to check on the pregnancy (as I also lost one in Nov last year). 1st visit was ok... 2nd visit started the struggles. The 2nd visit showed that my waterbag wasn't growing as big as it should be, and the gynae was worried. I spent the next few days at home, wrestling a lot in my heart between facts and faith. I chose Faith. What else could I do but look to the Almighty who holds everything in His Hands. From His Word, He encouraged me to think about things that are praiseworthy, good, pure, true (Phil 4:8), and His Word said that every good and perfect gift comes from Him (James). He also spelled that faith is believing in what we do not see (Heb 11). I could only trust Him as opposed to dwelling and meditating on the facts (& fears). That was my 1st lesson of faith during the pregnancy. Every week we looked forward anxiously to the gynae visit to see how the pregnancy was progressing.

There was continued ups and downs, and then the morning sickness came and all... That was the ups, believe it or not... but 2 weeks ago, on the 5th visit, the worst-feared became reality - there wasn't any heartbeat. It came as quite a shock to us and we were quite shaken. This time it was a greater loss as we really HAD the pregnancy. We even talked to the foetus and prayed for it everyday.. We went home and the mourning and loss set in. Crying, someone told me, is good. It's therapeutic; it is God's way of healing our souls. Both of us cried and mourned at our loss. The next day, I went for the D&C (washing out of the waterbag and all). It was the 1st time I was on General Anaesthetic. I spent the next week at my mum's place recuperating and resting...

Of course, there were the whys; but we had it, and now we don't, etc... One of the most painful is the knowledge that Gerald was really happy when I was pregnant, and I know how he loves to have kids of our own.. but somehow I knew that God knows His plans for us, and that He knows everything that we were going through, and that His ways are higher than our ways. I reckoned that we may not understand the why of this whole matter, and we may not know for even the next 5, or 10 years or longer. But one day (even if in heaven), we will know, and from now till then, our take is to trust in our God who is faithful and unfailing. I read a book "Loving God" by Charles something. He said that loving God is ultimately about Obeying Him no matter what the outcome, no matter what the circumstances, no matter what the risks and costs. I desire to please my Almighty God with this: to obey and trust that He knows best.

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines His steps.

Proverbs 16:9

With that I knew that all is in His will. I also know that through this, I got to learn about faith and trust, which are the areas we prayed that we will grow in this year. We know that He is a good God and He holds our future in His Hands.
This experience made me more resolved that I serve a Living and Almighty God who loves and cares for me, and who has made me for greatness and His Kingdom. I am honoured that He chooses to work in me, to make me more like Him and to be an aroma to Him. I have so much more to learn and go through, to change and be more like Him. Like Ps Jeff preached on Sun, it's time we circumcised our hearts and be prepared for His Harvest and His Work to come.

I look forward to having a healthy child who's planned by Him, and we know that He will bless us and do this miracle in our lives. We are excited to see it come to pass. Through what happened this month, I also came to appreciate Gerald a lot more. His love for God brings security to our relationship especially in turbulent times. His love for me is shown by actions in the housework he udnertakes and making sure that I am totally comfortable esp when I was pregnant. His love and tenderness is magnified through this and I can't thak God enough for giving me sucha wonderful husband.

On a lighter note, we went away for a lil' getaway over the weekend, as our combined service was on Sat. I booked a room at The Scarlet Hotel and wanted to surprise Gerald. I thought, after all the happenings, plus his stressful work, I really wanted to give him a nice surprise... I managed to trick him to the hotel on the pretext of going to check out a new hang out place... and then surprised him. I got our clothes and all packed into a bag and he didn't suspect. It was fun surprising him cos it brings me such joy that he is happy... that's why it is true that it is more blessed to give than to receive. Praise God for His ways! That hotel is exquisite, luxurious and comfortable... it was a great time "Nua-ing", watching DVDs, going to Maxwell market to eat and hang out there..

I am back to work and it takes some readjustments... especially the waking-up in the morning... but no matter what, thank God that I still have my job in this market. And I also believe that God will continue to bless and prosper me in my job so that I can be an influence and an example of His Glory and Blessings. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

Exercising FAITH!

Faith is something that is easy to talk about, encourage others, think about, and even have. I liken it to the muscles in our body - they are there, but will only grow and strengthen when we exercise it. This was a concept I learnt many years ago, but recently I was reminded of it again.

Year 2009 is a year of Faith and Trust in God for Gerald & I, both personally and as a family. And as we speak of it, (naturally), we get tested in precisely the area we want to grow in: Faith.

God is a Loving God. That's a fact. The things that happen to us and that we go through do not change that fact. This is something I need faith to grasp and accept. When circumstances that aren't so nice befall upon us, I learnt and am still learning that I need to hang on to the Word of God and keep meditating on it. Yes, naturally I worry, but I have to consciously "fight" against worrying. I have to consciously remind myself His Words and His Promises.

Hebrews 11:1

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

I've been reading a book by Cho Yongi called "The 4th Dimension, Vol 2". He talks about visualization. I learnt that in exercising faith, part of it constitutes visualizing what is good, what God's words promise. I also learnt that faith is about CHOICE. We choose what we want to believe in and what we meditate on. 

Philippians 4:8

Finally brother, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pre, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. 

I have to keep reminding myself to push away those oh-so-prevalent negative thoughts. And it doesn't help that I am a worst-case scenario person. But I choose to dwell on God's words. Sometimes it seems naive and foolish, but I'll choose to please God by total abandonment of trust and faith in Him. I'll even rather err on the side of foolishness by just clinging on to Him.

Another lesson of faith I learnt recently is this: Faith welds power out of God (whether He likes it or not, to put it bluntly). In Luke8:43-47, the bible talks about the story of the bleeding woman. When she touched Jesus' cloak, she was healed because she told herself that if she does that, she will be healed. And Jesus felt power left Him even though He did not speak or dispense any power (willingly). Faith welds power out of God.

God, I only have You to turn to. Only You can help me... Jesus, I will choose to have faith in you, that all good and perfect gifts come from above. You give good things to us. You will help me through! Lesson No. 1 of Faith for 2009! I look forward to great things cos Faith can cause the mountain to throw itself into the sea by speaking it. Help me to know you, love you, trust you and grow in my reliance and intimacy with You. I wanna know you more!!!

Happy New Year!

*champagne popping, whistling, shouts of "Happy New Year", the fanfare and the excitement*

Today's Jan 2nd. The above description was over and done with on Dec 31st. Time, indeed waits for no man... It doesn't linger, it knows no one, no situation, and it doesn't tick or stop depending on what and what-nots... It chugs along as it is dutied to do so... I was pondering about 2008 and how Time just passed 2008 by... What could I recall? Time. It is with time that you recognize events, happenings and activities. In order for me to reflect on 2008, I took our my diaries and flipped through Time.

2008 has been eventful and life-changing. Indeed, people said, the 2nd most important decision one makes in life other than whether to know Jesus personally or not, is who to marry. Who one marries maketh the man/woman..
I believe Gerald made me a better woman. This union in marriage has taught me sooo much, opened my eyes to things I never comprehended or understood, gave me insights of life and our destiny. A marriage mirrors the relationship between Christ and His Church (see previous post). A marriage is the ultimate brother-sister-in-Christ relationship cos' you fellowship with each other everyday. It's like super extended church camp when you wake up and your room-mate sees you, when you talk loudly, eat hungrily, sleep snoring, and interacting with one another for an extended period of time. A marriage is about denying oneself - that is what God wants us to do in our life on earth: to love Him and love others.. nothing said about loving self (only). A marriage helps one to think for the other and listen, instead of just talking about oneself all the time. Marriage changes a person; it's inevitable. If you take it well in your stride and submit to each other with reverance for Jesus, it is a wonderful learning experience. I love being married to Gerald. Thank You Lord.

ASPT (Adults Service Programming Team) was borne. It is a channel for my passion and I am humbled that God allowed me to be involved. I thank God for the team I work with, they who bear with my brashness, my "strict-ness", my frankness and my passion:

Rachel Tan

Ange

Roy

Wendy Tan

Ronald

Ron

How Joo

Rachael Lee

Chris Goh

Ah Long

Diana

Gerald

Geofrrey

Steven

Bernnise

Lynette

Elaine Lim

Pei Key

Thank you for giving your best! It's my honor and privilege to work with you guys. You guys are so gifted by God and it's great to see all the talents work together for His Kingdom. Let's ask Him to take us places!

There are so much to give thanks to God for 2008. Time was spent meaningfully, and I thank God for that.
But year-end tends to invoke some melancholy. (Having done a quick survey with my colleagues around me, I am not the only one.) Year 2009 is a challenging year: the financial market looks gloomy, ministry looks challenging, and many uncertainties loom, with storms brewing inevitably as it's life. But I wrote in my diary last night and shared with my confidante (Gerald), that I want to declare 2009 as a year of victory, fruitfulness, success, properity and growth because God is all that. As we spent time praying and worshipping last night, God was faithful and affirmed a HUGE fruit in a vision He impressed in my mind, and concertedly, spoke to Gerald from His Word during his QT with Him earlier on. I believe even more that He will bring fruitfulness to our family in 2009!

With God, all things are possible! With trust in God, even if storms are to come my way, I will choose to look up to the hills where my Help comes from - my Helper and Maker. What a wonderful and uplifting way to start the new year. He is our Provider and Sustenance!

What does 2009 hold for you...? Is it the doom and gloom that looms (anyway), or the quiet confidence that He works all things for the good of those who love Him and He is watching over you...?

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

It's beginning to look like Christmas...

This is one of my favourite seasons... Christmas...It's beautiful, and everyday feels so good. The air feels crisp and joyful somewhat... Of course, my special day is around Christmas, so that adds to the celebrative mood...

Another year is coming to an end.. Maybe it's also the time to be nostalgic... 2008 seemed like yesterday when it started... today, it's coming to the end... 2008 has been a memorable and eventful year indeed... The Lord has blessed me overwhelmingly and I can't help but feel so loved and blessed... He gave me a wonderful husband, a great job, a fantastic and fulfilling church ministry, a crazy and committed bunch of people (in ASPT) whom I work with in our ministry, a warm and cosy lovenest, and all the finances we needed to get married and to get our house and all... God NEVER fails and He gives us only the best stuffs...

Our church Christmas celebration is tomorrow, with an exciting programme lined up and a time for people to hear about Jesus @ The Rock.

Here's wishing you, my dear friends, a very blessed and Merry Christmas..

Musings...

God is a faithful God!

On Mon, we had WAM night cum Combined Team Ministry Night... I was very ministered; I was encouraged; I was refreshed by The Faithful God.. I'd been feeling dry spiritually & kinda felt lousy about it... I told God about it that night, and He spoke to me through the Praise & Worship, the words spoken, the sharing... I felt He understood and He cared... I resolved to walk with Him, spend time with Him and keep close to Him... Since that night and since spending better time with Him, I feel joyful, nourished and my soul less parched; I love this feeling!

Gerald is a wonderful husband... I thank God everytime I look at him or think about him.. He is godly, faithful, patient, loving, fun-loving, gracious, appreciative, takes a lot of my nonsense.... and still think the world of me. He encourages me with his love for God. We concluded that we are effective with God at different times: I am used to and probably better at night (though I am not a night owl), he is better in the mornings, and with unhurried time... If I do wake up very early like Jesus and Gerald, I'll be struggling half the time with the zzzz monster and won't be effective... So we decided to do our QTs at different times, and we've been comfortable with the arrangement... I'm impressed that he has been waking up at 6am in the mornings to spend good time with God... and I've been "fed" by God before I sleep and wake up the next day having those words in my heart...

Allow me to continue raving about my husband.. Yesterday, we were on our way home on the bus, and he suddenly said,

"Why don't you go buy a dress...?"

*question mark ?? question mark ??*

I gave him that "HUH?" look... that was quite out of the blue... then he continued, "When I get my bonus, I'll buy a dress for you ok...?"

WOW! Talk about pleasant surprises.... I was very touched, and I felt so loved... Receiving gifts is not my highest Love Language, but it's the gesture and thought of getting me something when he gets his bonus.... that was what touched me more...

We've been staying in our Lovenest for about 2 months now, and we've hosted several groups of people and had friends over, like the Eugene-Choon Yam-HL-Peiks-etc group, care group, Choon Yam's DMM, drama group, Vivian, Yean Shien, ... We love to have people over, to be a blessing and to be blessed... everytime I am in my house, or when I think of it, I can't help but to thank God so much for His Provision and His blessings poured unto us...

Last Sun we didn't go to church... I guess most in the Adults Region didn't too... It was an interesting feeling.. We had an Adults Combined Svc last Friday, 31 Oct 08, at Sing Post.. It was an awesome time and we thank God for His Presence and for all the visitors and new believers! I was very encouraged when I saw many people brought their friends for the first time... that is why we want to do services well. We want to see God touch lives...

A good friend shared these verses with me:

7 "Two things I ask of you, O LORD; do not refuse me before I die:
8 Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread.
9 Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, 'Who is the LORD ?' Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my
God.

It's true indeed. In this financial crisis and market turmoil, I believe in this even more - that contentment is great gain indeed. Many people I speak to are thinking deep about their priorities and what life is about... It's an opportune time to shout that Jesus NEVER changes, and He is the same yesterday, today, and forever more, and His Church is truly the institution that will last forever.

I've heard recently of some people who want to do big things, earn big bucks, be real successful in the world, for God (apparently). I don't doubt their motives that they want to do God proud, and that is appluadable, but I doubt they really understand and know what they really want and why they really want to do it. Being successful, ambitious and successful in the market, in my humble view means 2 things: Ministry of Giving and Ministry of Humility. It is a lot of struggle to be in the world but not of the world. It is a constant challenge to consecrate your heart and keep your heart and motives pure and not be driven or lost in the allure of wealth and power. I may not comprehend fully nor live a long time successfully to tell the tale, but I have my fair share of struggles as people perceive that I am successful in the world. If God wants me in where I am, I will give my best and be faithful in eveything that I am tasked to do, but if God thinks I am better off without all that I have, I have to rejoice and be faithful in the small things, and give my utmost best regardless. I learnt from Joseph from the bible. He gave his best, honoured God in all he did, including being in jail... trouble came knocking on his door, yet he always found favour in God's eyes... So, for those who want to do big things for God, ask God to lead and in His timing. Be faithful in what you do now, strive for the best, but everything happens in His time and only if He wills for it to happen... Like I tell people (especially in this financial market), "人算, 不如天算."

Just love Him and accord everything you have to Him... If He thinks you are faithful with the small things, He will task us with the bigger things in His time... be patient... time is our friend...

God is a faithful God!

sick of being sick...

I'd been sick AGAIN... yes, not just again, but again and again... & i simply have no explanation... I fell sick on the week of Sep 6 2008 (when I moved into my new house)... then I fell sick again around Sep 23 2008, and I'd been sick for the past 4 days.... *sneeze* I had fever for the 1st 2 days, body ached like bird, and I thought I'd contracted dengue fever... it was horrible... till I went back to doc and asked her for a jab... Then the flu and cold heightened.... *atishoo*

My boss asked me why, my friends asked me why, my parents asked me why.... I ask myself why... and I can't find an explanation at all...

- lack of rest? Not really... my average sleeping time is about 11pm...
- stress about the financial crisis? Not really too (or so I think)...
- not taking care of myself enough? No leh... I'd been popping vitamins, taking Scotts Emulsion, drinking lots of "cooling" stuff, eating home-cooked (or rather, self-cooked) food...
- ah...maybe the housework...??? Maybe... just maybe... this is the only additional activity in my life that can get quite "siong" when I'm at it... But how bad can washing and scrubbing the toilet and glass shower screen do to my body....? My dear husband has asked me to go easy on the toilet-scrubbing... I am not sure I wanna bow down to the toilet so easily...
- lack of exercise? This is universal, isn't it? But ain't that toilet-scrubbing a form of strenuous exercise? I perspire like bird and feels so tired after that.... doesn't that feel or sound like exercise...? U are free to comment on this...

With this bout of sickness, I stayed in my mum's house for the past 4 days... with ready-cooked food, and my 2 nephews who never fail to entertain me.... My wonderful husband suggested that on the 1st day i fell sick, cos in his absence (to work), he wanted to make sure I was well taken care of...

Back to work tomorrow... my nose & ear are still blocked due to the cold... I'm starting to cough a lil... *cough*.. God, I dunno why.. but You must know what's happening... and it gives me comfort to know that You know why... maybe You are telling me to take care of my body and it manages the past-30 phase....

*sniff sniff cough cough*

Married + Love Nest + Crazy market

As you can see, I am finally updating my blog, and there are 3 topics I will write about today..

Married

I realized my last entry was when I was single, counting down to my wedding. My wedding was GREAT, wonderful, beautiful, ideal (for me), and most importantly, God-filled. God was there on our special day, and He made the world of difference with His presence. The weather was perfect, the guests were unbelievable, and our love was evident. I thank God He touched my family there. Of course, I was beautiful! Hehehe...
Today, I am happily married to the man of my life, who (still) thinks the world of me... Many people ask the same question, "So, how's married life?" And my answer is always the same, "It's GREAT!" Our love has evolved since we 1st got together.. It started as heart-stopping, butterflies-in-stomach kind of love. I don't think that has totally disappeared. I still smile when I see my husband and I still look forward to being with him. Now, it's more down-to-earth, commitment, stable, you-know-you-are-together-for-life, comfortable-being-with-each-other, cannot-bear-not-having-each-other kind of love... I love this man, and love being with him all the time..

Love Nest

We've finally moved into our new home. Yes, it's our love nest. After all the blood-vomitting, cash-bleeding, time-consuming months of renovation and preparation, we finally moved in! Our place is lovely, cosy and ours... We prayed and asked God to let our house turn out nice and ideal... And as what He does best, He did. He gave us a great designer/contractor as well. Having stayed there for 2 weeks, I miss my house when I come to work. Gerald is a wonderful partner-in-housework. He shares the load of cleaning, mopping, fixing. He is a faithful & willing helper indeed. (I do my fair share too!) We are excited to have people to our house, we want our house to be a blessing, to be a refuge, to be a place for people to connect, minister, be ministered, to laugh, love and to cry. We want our house to be a channel where God will use to extend His Kingdom, build His people and cause things to happen. So, we try to make our home guests, visitors, party-friendly.

Crazy market

In the midst of all these, the outside world is in topsy-turvy. The market is in a mess, the crisis is unbelievable and unfathomable. Banks are going bust, everyone else is affected and merging, buying and selling. But deep in my heart, I have this peace and joy, cos I know God is taking care of me, protecting me and watching over me. I feel so privileged to belong to Him, and to walk with Him. He has known everything that is to happen cos He is All-Knowing. He is in control of everything, because He is All-Powerful. I thank Him that I know Him and I am on His side, which is the side that always wins. I pray He will give me success in my work, so that I can be a testimony and so I can give back to Him what He gives me. He is always my Jehovah Jireh (Provider) & Jehovah Nissi (my Banner), and I thank God that His Word is always there, solid and never-changing, for me to hold on to.

"Not one of all the Lord's good promises to the house of Israel failed; every one was fulfilled". - Joshua 21:45

The Lord has blessed me with much, and I can't thank Him enough for them... I urge you to try Jesus; He is better than you think.

18 days more.....

It's 18 days more to.................. my BIG Day!!! I'm getting married, can you even believe the sound of it.....??? getting married.......

It's amazing how the Lord has brought me thus far, to this point when I'm making the 2nd most important decision in my life (1st being knowing Jesus personally)... I am humbled that He chose to let me marry this wonderful man, so I may catch a glimpse of what His love is like....

I have a myriad of emotions within me... nope, it's not the "is he the right man for me...?" or "am i sure I wanna marry this man..?" kinda questions. It's no doubt he is the right man for me, and no doubt that I wanna marry this man... Recently some friends have been commenting (or re-iterating) that Gerald is a really nice and good man - with a good heart & husband-material... Think what i've been feeling are like "oh, I'm gonna leave my parents, how...?", "I've to grow up, how...?" This step is a major step out of my comfort zone... but I remember the night before we got together, that God reminded me unless a kernel of wheat dies and falls to the ground, it will not bear fruit... I know in walking out of my comfort zone, I will learn to be stronger in Him and trust Him even more...

I am excited about marrying this wonderful man, and spending every waking moment with him... I need to stop allowing all the what-ifs and the permutations to eat up my excitement and overtake my joy - the joy that my God has bestowed to me...

Thank You Lord for giving me this opportunity to know You in marriage to this wonderful man You have made for me...

The mystery of marriage...

31"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."32This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. (Book of Ephesians, Chapter 5, verses 31,32

I am catching just a glimpse of the synonym of Christ's relationship with His church, and relationship between a man and woman in marriage. It's really one of a kind, one that is none like any other... It's my privilege that God allows me this opportunity to experience His love on earth.

It is through Gerald that I experience the tip of the iceberg of unconditional love on earth... He is a wonderful man, my other better half whom God has planned to come into my life to make me a better person... The ugly side of me are magnified when I am in a relationship that is so close... but he loves and accepts me as I am, and still thinking the world of me... Unthinkable...

I also experienced and am still learning, that marriage (relationship for now, cos I am not married yet) in God is whole and secured. When both of us individually gets our security from our God, and we come together, there is a lot of security in spite of our differences, misunderstandings, quarrels, mis-readings of each other, etc... but the moment we come together to pray to our Lord, Jesus Christ, everything fades away, and security and love is restored in Him... Again, it is indeed a privilege, that He allowed me to experience such security, wholeness and love...

Last but not least, both of us can never thank God enough that we are in His community, His Family... You can see how much we are loved:


This is the man I love with all my heart and the one who started a new chapter in my life... Thank You, God.

He popped THE question!!

You only imagine such scenarios in your dream or on movies... when the man of your dreams pop the million-dollar question... yes, he finally did..... It was kinda surreal... The story goes....

Last Sunday night, we went for dinner at 7th Storey hotel. I've not been there before though many acclaim about the steamboat there.. We then proceeded to a Jap place for dessert... After which he sent me home and he had to come in to pick up his guitar which he left in the car from our MPC class on Sat... The guitar was in my room and I had to find a set of teachings for him, thus we were there. Then as I was packing him home, he sat down, fumbled with the guitar bag and said he wanted to show me something... he took out the guitar and was filled with emotions... and he said, he wants to propose to me...

Tears welled up in my eyes and I started to tear... he then played this song and sang to me... I continued to tear because I was very touched by the words...

SHOWER ME WITH YOUR LOVE (SURFACE)
My heart is filled with so much love
And I need someone I can call my own
To fall in love--that's what ev'ryone's dreaming of
I hold this feeling oh so strong
Life is too short to live alone
Without someone to call my own
I will care for you, you will care for me
Our love will live forever

Shower me with your love
Shower me with the love that I long for
Shower me with your love
Shower me with the love I've been waiting for

I close my eyes and pray all my wishes come true
Ev'ry night I go to sleep
Until you're mine, I'll wait for you endlessly
Can't you see
Fairy tales, they do sometimes come true
If you believe, it could happen to you
Like the stars that shine way up in the sky
Our love will live forever

He was choked with emotions by the 2nd verse... I was very touched because it was SO sincere, SO real, SO down-to-earth... THAT, is Gerald for you...

He then whipped out the ring and asked, "Will you marry me?"

And I continued to tear with joy and said, "Yes, I will."

Like TV drama hor..... but it was magical... He said he called up quite a few hotels, asking if he could play the piano as he wants to propose, but was turned down cos they said he didn't have some license... DUH... I was touched, because it has been in his heart for this moment, and never took it lightly - that, too, touched me...

POP # 5

Power of Praise # 5 - our Bangkok church's annual praise & worship concert...

It was AWESOME, and a GREAT time of learning for us who spent a few days with the worship team... The way they do things is SO professional and so excellent.

It never fails to refresh my heart everytime I visit our church in Thailand: their sweet spirit, excellence and tremendous hospitality is always a good reminder of how our church started and why I serve in such a God-loving church and movement. This time, I learnt a great deal about serving in the worship ministry and how to do events better... despite their busy schedule and stress, they don't tire in explaining to us why and what they do.. I was very touched by their kind sharing. I am inspired again to serve to my best ability, what God has called me to do... Thank you, Hope Bangkok worship team, for your lives and your examples... We have been very blessed and refreshed by you!

dying to myself...

I have come to learn that I have high expectations of myself... and it upsets me when I am anything less than my own standard...I have to learn to keep my standards, and to balance it with trusting God...

I also come to learn that I am selfish, afraid of sufferings & difficulties, and have the tendency to want the easy way out...

Unless a kernel of wheat dies and falls to the ground, it will not bear much fruit... the Lord reminded me again... What He has given me is to make me a better person... it is not just for my pleasure or fun... but it is to make me a better testimony for Him...

perseverance is another recurring theme that God has reminded me again (and again)... it's never easy to stick in there when the tough gets going... but like what Ps Ben says, it's what you decided upon when the rubber meets the road... Help me to be persevering, loving and unconditional... I can only do it with Your Love, not mine..

I look forward to all the things that are to come in anticipation because You are my God and You are Jehovah Jireh!

Two are better than one..

Been a while since a wrote.. been a lil' busy with JUMP, a lil' bit of work, and not denying, the person in my life...



JUMP conference & concert was a BLAST!







Thank God for ALL you guys in the committee and volunteers who worked so hard amidst the tight schedule and limitations, to pull it off so well. One thing about doing the work of God is teamwork, which I really enjoy.

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:

If one falls down, his friend can help him up.

But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!

Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

(Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)

This is really true... in a team, we cover one another, we look out for one another and we check one another's blind spots... in a team, we bring out the best in one another, yet, the ugly side of us surfaces (within ourselves). As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens another... this is again, so true. When I serve in a team, I learn things about myself... the inner thoughts, emotions that flare out which only God & I will know, are all valuable lessons I can learn... Without partners, one will always be swimming in his/her own thoughts and pool, and might not have new revelations or realisations about oneself... I guess we grow when we are in a community... thank God for building His Church based on communities... I also learnt that I am really a team-person. I really don't work well alone - I feel dry and unexcited... (blame it on my personality, hehe)... but that is how God made me, and I rejoice in that (personality).

Maybe that is why God sent me my partner... Referring to the verses above, again, I am learning so much about myself, discovering new things (monsters) within me... like he so aptly said, that in a relationship, we are challenged to live out the ways of the bible constantly... I used to think it is a chore being in a relationship, and that there is not much value-add, but it'll probably just be added stress and problems in life... but God knows better what is good for me... He knows that I will become a better person when I have a partner to work with. In addition, through some events, I realize that with a partner, it does help that I have someone to share my emotions and struggles with... Being single is really GREAT; being in a relationship is GREAT too - neither is better, being in God's plan in BEST. I thank God for Gerald who is a great man of God, and I am privileged to share my life with him...

P.S: Check out geraldaw.blogspot.com. Yup, he writes well... ;p

Another milestone in my life...

*curtsies*

Thank you to all who have been so supportive and encouraging throughout my Masters' journey... I am so proud to say... I have GRADUATED!!! Yea, it is an achievement indeed, cos' like I said in the beginning: I am really not a studying-person.



Things have really changed in my life... in work, I am just SO blessed by God, that it is unbelievable... In the bible, Malachi 3:10 "Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it." - this verse I can totally identify with... Many times I ask the Lord what have I done to deserve all these blessings... and I always come to the same answer: that it is never (once) about what I have done or not done, but simply cos of His Grace; and these blessings He has given me, are to help to extend His Kingdom... so, what He gives me, is kinda like a forward thing, as in, His blessings are like tools for me to keep moving on and forward, and for me to use to bless and extend HIs Kingdom. That is how I see all the tangible blessings He has bestowed me - they are not so much rewards for my past achievements or what I have done (right), but more for the future...

Of course the other change is having Gerald in my life... Think being in a relationship is very much about acceptance and accomodation... It is about 2 people, having different upbringing, background, experiences, etc., trying to live as one (quote from Gerald)... and it sometimes feels kinda weird that I am not my own (if u know what I mean).. it's GREAT joy, but it's also not without challenges... Singlehood is GREAT - carefree and independent... For me, I felt that it is about learning to give up my personal rights to learn to love another as myself as Jesus commands us to do. In a relationship, this commandment acts out even more overtly, as he becomes like one of the closest person, and expectations are heightened and my personal rights flare out more obviously... But I must admit that knowing that God has brought both of us together, gives a lot of strength and courage to move on together... and it is wonderful when both of us worship the same God, and when we can serve together, support and encourage each other to walk close to God, as we walk closer to each other.

Nice photo ya? THE PERSON!!! (I think I look SO beautiful in this pic, haha!) Not the flowers.... Hehehe...

Well, that was a bunch of flowers he got delivered to my office one day when I was a little down... so, nice - emma, gerald and flowers. =)

Thanks for sharing my joys with me... I'll keep u posted again...

Thank God it's end of Thursday!!!

A Tribute to my friends, D & Dong

She has been a wonderful friend for over 13 years... gosh, suddenly that number looks like a looooooong time. I thought only my parents talk about friends for over 10 years... now, I am in that league, haha!

She's always been there, cheering and supporting me over all these years. I remember once when I called her up to ask her out for coffee out of the blue and we went to some Big Apple cafe at Coronation Plaza.... We just sat there and chilled out and I said I just wanted to find someone whom I can be totally comfortable with, and no need to pretend or make small talk, or even explain why I did what I did, to have coffee with... (think that was a time of lamentation)

She is one friend who loves me more than I know, and from how she wants attention from me, how she is protective over me, asking me difficult questions at times.... I know I mean a lot to her....

Ok, if I don't mention about Dong, think she will surely call me to whine as well. This is a woman who is out of this world as well. She is hilarious, blur, "I" (she knows what that means), P, C (she says)... She's another 13-yr-old friend... We have had great times together as well.... It means a lot to me when I received a sms from her 2 weeks back, telling me how happy she was for me that I have found my love...

Thanks friends, you girls are special and precious to me and I really thank God and appreciate your unique friendships....

*hugz*

piano | Gerald | melted

19th June 07 (Tue)

(WARNING: This content may cause a hair-raising experience, so read it at your own risk.)

Tonight was simply memorable... I have never been so touched (in my life) before... And if this surprises you, trust me - it totally bowled me over.

Gerald & I went to watch a jazz concert by Jeremy Montiero @ the Esplanade. After that, we decided to have dinner at Prego's - one of my favourite restaurants...



We sat down, ordered our food and chatted... then out of the blue, he said something about the piano in the middle of the restaurant, stood up and walked away.... I was quite puzzle and surprised... the next thing I knew, he opened up the grand piano and started playing on it....and man, I was totally shocked and my jaw dropped (literally). He played a love song and it was awesome... I can't even use words to describe how I felt; i could feel love from every note he played...

One of the servers came over and asked me what the occassion was, and the answer was simply, "there is no occassion". And even he said he played beautifully...

He finished the song (while I was totally dazed) and some patrons clapped... and he returned, shy. And all I could do was to stare at him, (jaw still dropped) and was still in the state of disbelief... it is so out of his (shy and reserved) character to do something so bold; even I won't have the guts to do it ok! And he simply said, "I played that for you..."

ok ok, now, close YOUR mouth now, my friends.... yes... that's the Gerald you guys never knew, and I am honored that he thinks the world of me.

That incident made me just revel in that and bask in his love for the next few days... So, like i said, this may be hair-raising for you... but for me, it meant SO much..... it's more than the song he played... it's really the love that spurred him to do something so outrageous...

God, thank You for sending Gerald into my life - everything happened in Your timing and only when You will for it to happen.

(Oh, I didn't mention about the 2nd bunch of flowers last week, and all the other amazing things he is and has done)

sharing of good news...

I would like to thank God, my parents, my CG-mates, all my fans, oops, friends... Hahaha! Well, the Good News is that: Jesus Loves YOU and He is ALIVE!!!

The good news (note:small caps) is: emma is in LuRve... (*blush blush*) Don't know how else to put it except in the most direct way. Most of you would have heard about it.. and "thanks" for spreading it for us. If only you guys would spread the Good News as quickly, many other people will go to Heaven =). Thanks to all who rejoice with us and congratulate us (him).

The other good news of course, is ONE WEEK DOWN for school!!! I have only ONE more week to go!!! Thank You God for sustaining me till now... like Ps Jeff said, I thought I was crazy to even enroll for this Masters course, and I am his friend who thinks studying even for 3 minutes is torture. My middle Name is "PLAY" for your information. This final module is kinda bitter-sweet. On one hand, I am GRADUATING!! On the other hand, I am gonna miss my classmates and all the great and fun times we spend together, slogging complaining, and playing! SO here's a TOAST to MWM Class of 2006: You guys ROCK!!

Tomorrow is Monday... this week is church camp and I am gonna miss a big part of it cos of Module 5... SIGH... u can already feel the pain in me (that I can't be there for the whole camp)... told u my middle name is PLAY. So, for all you guys who are going for "Building a Prevailing Generation" Camp, watch out for the outpouring of the Holy Spirit in your lives! (Don't say I didn't warn u!)

Have loads of fun in Malacca!

Flowers & Module 5...

Started Module 5 yesterday... It's wonderful to see my classmates again... ended the day with such a wonderful surprise... someone came to my school and brought with him a bunch of flowers... I was talking with my classmates while waiting for him... and when he came, he actually whipped out that bunch of flowers and gave it to me (in front of some of my classmates)... it was SO SWEET... he was a little embarrassed about it, I was a lil' shy (ok, be surprised.. I DO get shy).



For those of you who are shocked at this gesture, I am here to verify that Gerald is very very sweet, just that he doesn't show it to just anyone ;)

Will just share this lil' (more juicy) part with you guys... I'll save the rest for myself... (",)

Today is Day 2 of Module 5, got homework to hand in today already... 2 more weeks to go!