This whole pregnancy deal has been an interesting event, and I thank God for this experience because He was so close and real to me... I found out I was pregnant on 11 Jan this year. When I came back from my business trip, it was off to the gynae to check on the pregnancy (as I also lost one in Nov last year). 1st visit was ok... 2nd visit started the struggles. The 2nd visit showed that my waterbag wasn't growing as big as it should be, and the gynae was worried. I spent the next few days at home, wrestling a lot in my heart between facts and faith. I chose Faith. What else could I do but look to the Almighty who holds everything in His Hands. From His Word, He encouraged me to think about things that are praiseworthy, good, pure, true (Phil 4:8), and His Word said that every good and perfect gift comes from Him (James). He also spelled that faith is believing in what we do not see (Heb 11). I could only trust Him as opposed to dwelling and meditating on the facts (& fears). That was my 1st lesson of faith during the pregnancy. Every week we looked forward anxiously to the gynae visit to see how the pregnancy was progressing.
There was continued ups and downs, and then the morning sickness came and all... That was the ups, believe it or not... but 2 weeks ago, on the 5th visit, the worst-feared became reality - there wasn't any heartbeat. It came as quite a shock to us and we were quite shaken. This time it was a greater loss as we really HAD the pregnancy. We even talked to the foetus and prayed for it everyday.. We went home and the mourning and loss set in. Crying, someone told me, is good. It's therapeutic; it is God's way of healing our souls. Both of us cried and mourned at our loss. The next day, I went for the D&C (washing out of the waterbag and all). It was the 1st time I was on General Anaesthetic. I spent the next week at my mum's place recuperating and resting...
Of course, there were the whys; but we had it, and now we don't, etc... One of the most painful is the knowledge that Gerald was really happy when I was pregnant, and I know how he loves to have kids of our own.. but somehow I knew that God knows His plans for us, and that He knows everything that we were going through, and that His ways are higher than our ways. I reckoned that we may not understand the why of this whole matter, and we may not know for even the next 5, or 10 years or longer. But one day (even if in heaven), we will know, and from now till then, our take is to trust in our God who is faithful and unfailing. I read a book "Loving God" by Charles something. He said that loving God is ultimately about Obeying Him no matter what the outcome, no matter what the circumstances, no matter what the risks and costs. I desire to please my Almighty God with this: to obey and trust that He knows best.
In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines His steps.Proverbs 16:9
With that I knew that all is in His will. I also know that through this, I got to learn about faith and trust, which are the areas we prayed that we will grow in this year. We know that He is a good God and He holds our future in His Hands.
This experience made me more resolved that I serve a Living and Almighty God who loves and cares for me, and who has made me for greatness and His Kingdom. I am honoured that He chooses to work in me, to make me more like Him and to be an aroma to Him. I have so much more to learn and go through, to change and be more like Him. Like Ps Jeff preached on Sun, it's time we circumcised our hearts and be prepared for His Harvest and His Work to come.
I look forward to having a healthy child who's planned by Him, and we know that He will bless us and do this miracle in our lives. We are excited to see it come to pass. Through what happened this month, I also came to appreciate Gerald a lot more. His love for God brings security to our relationship especially in turbulent times. His love for me is shown by actions in the housework he udnertakes and making sure that I am totally comfortable esp when I was pregnant. His love and tenderness is magnified through this and I can't thak God enough for giving me sucha wonderful husband.
On a lighter note, we went away for a lil' getaway over the weekend, as our combined service was on Sat. I booked a room at The Scarlet Hotel and wanted to surprise Gerald. I thought, after all the happenings, plus his stressful work, I really wanted to give him a nice surprise... I managed to trick him to the hotel on the pretext of going to check out a new hang out place... and then surprised him. I got our clothes and all packed into a bag and he didn't suspect. It was fun surprising him cos it brings me such joy that he is happy... that's why it is true that it is more blessed to give than to receive. Praise God for His ways! That hotel is exquisite, luxurious and comfortable... it was a great time "Nua-ing", watching DVDs, going to Maxwell market to eat and hang out there..
I am back to work and it takes some readjustments... especially the waking-up in the morning... but no matter what, thank God that I still have my job in this market. And I also believe that God will continue to bless and prosper me in my job so that I can be an influence and an example of His Glory and Blessings. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!